It’s been several days now and I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around Chris Cornell’s death.  I find it hard to accept, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  At least conscious suicide does not.  He had just finished a show in Detroit, the best place for a Rock show.  He seemed to have put on a great show.  He was free from drugs and alcohol.  He had a wonderful family he was devoted to. So, WHY?  I later found out.  It make more sense now . . . .

Friday, I found out that the investigation was still ongoing but the coroner was saying it was definitely suicide.  Chris Cornell’s family are saying this is premature, though.  The toxicology results had not come in.  Vicky Cornell said Chris talked to her over the phone after the show and seemed “different” and he was slurring his words.  In the conversation he admitted that may have taken an “extra Ativan or two.”  Concerned for her husband she called his bodyguard, Martin Kirsten, asking him to check up on Chris.  According to Rollingstone.com, “Despite security’s refusal to assist, Kirsten then kicked open Cornell’s hotel door. The bedroom door was also latched, so the bodyguard again called hotel security before ultimately kicking open that door. Upon inspecting the bathroom, Kirsten found Cornell “laying on the bathroom floor” with blood running down his mouth and a red exercise band around his neck.Despite security’s refusal to assist, Kirsten then kicked open Cornell’s hotel door. The bedroom door was also latched, so the bodyguard again called hotel security before ultimately kicking open that door. Upon inspecting the bathroom, Kirsten found Cornell “laying on the bathroom floor” with blood running down his mouth and a red exercise band around his neck.” http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/chris-cornell-police-report-details-singers-death-w483238

Now if you look into Ativan, you will find many, many side effects connected with the drug.  The symptoms of overdose are more telling.  They include, according to Drugs.com:

1.) Changes in patterns and rhythms of speech

2.)loss of strength or energy

3.)slurred speech

4.)trouble in speaking

5.)unusual drowsiness, dullness, tiredness, weakness, or feeling of sluggishness

6.)unusual paleness unusual weak feeling

The audience at his last show thought the performance was great, but in retrospect they noticed some things that weren’t usual.  According to Syracuse.com ( who seems to have gotten the account from the Detroit Free Press) that earlier in the concert Chris seemed “visibly agitated,” in hindsight.  Also, that “several minutes before playing “Been Away Too Long” he left the stage and the band had to improvise in the meantime.  According to Ashley Zlatopolsky of the Detroit Free Press, “When he came back onstage, he made a “move it along” motion with his hand.”  The columnist claimed that his vocals were often lagging were out of sync with the band.  I’d seen the “walking off stage and leaving the band to cover for while” thing many times before.  That could be for many reasons; it is not a harbinger of doom.  As for the out of sync thing . . . that means something was getting in the way.

Being a vocalist, I know that feeling.  Concentration waning because of not feeling it, feeling it way too much, alcohol, tiredness, the band doing things you didn’t anticipate, etc.  Obviously, he was professional enough not to let it interfere with the show too much.  It also seemed to be implied that this was toward the beginning.  Sometimes you feel cold when you start.  It also might be because of the Ativan.  The Ativan side effects of dizziness, drowsiness and confusion may have been affecting him.  Musicians (especially those who consider themselves artists) can be hard headed and stupid (this includes me) when things like this come up.  You’re embarrassed over the blunders, you carry on but you are pissed.  This, of course, leads to anxiety.  What does someone who was a drug addict do while on anti-anxiety medication?  You take more.  Why?  Because you’re anxious and frustrated.   The adrenaline while performing can stave off the side effects a little (on this, I’m just supposing) but what happens when you come down from the adrenaline?  The only thing left for the system to deal with is the Ativan.  At this point he’s slurring his words (a fact) and he’s fighting to keep his reason which is slowly going out the window (supposing).

There are some people born with this weird “fail-safe switch.”  In the back of their minds if all else fails, I can open the escape hatch.  Usually reason will shove this thought away.  Genesis P. Orridge tried to contact Ian Curtis when he realized that Ian was going to kill himself but he wasn’t answering his phone (he knew this from a message left on his machine from Ian).  Genesis said this on an interview I saw on YouTube.  The interviewer asked, “What would you have told him if he had answered?”  Genesis said, “I would have told him, ‘It’s just a moment.’ ” This is true for most people.

Most suicides are spontaneous.  Very few are thought out.  It was obvious that he didn’t start out the night suicidal.  You don’t continually make plans and talk about plans and say what a great night it was when you are planning such things.  You keep up appearances but you don’t go through the amount effort to appear as Chris did that night.  I’m convinced it was a progression, knowing the sequence of events.  His wife knew the side effects well.  That’s why she called the bodyguard to check up on him.  The reason had left him entirely after that phone call.  When you are overmedicated you don’t think about your loved ones, you are looking at things from their lowest point.  Or as David Foster Wallace pointed out, that suicide is like being trapped in a burning building.  On one side is pain and suffering for who knows how long and how bad;  on the other side is irrevocable death, the unknown.  In the state of mind that Chris Cornell was in, that is what he may have been looking.  You can say that it’s ridiculous, but it’s not for the guy whose reason is mangled by too much Ativan.

I think Vicky Cornell is right when she blames it on Ativan overdose.  There are too many things consistent with it. In some ways it is more than coincidence that he died on the very same date as Ian Curtis (May 18).  This was by no means a copycat suicide as some fools suggest but the date and the Lorazepam are strong coincidences.  Everything else says no.

I was going to start the entry with this but I thought it was better to get to matter directly.  This may prove interesting/entertaining or not:

Last Wednesday night, I had a really strange anxiety attack.  I was tired, yeah, but that would only make me low.  I’d get depressed but I’d finally go to bed and the depression would be over.  But this night I kept on sleeping and waking several times over.  I wasn’t just feeling depressed, I was feeling anxious with an uneasy feeling of dread.  Some call this coincidence, some call it a premonition, some might even just call it a spiritual connection no matter how tenuous.  While coming to work the next morning, “lousy” does not even come close to describing how I felt.  My head was pounding and I felt like I had come from some sort of battle experiencing shell shock.  Then someone told me Chis Cornell died.  The dread I was feeling subsided and was then completely covered with grief and anxiety.   This was especially so when I heard it was suicide.  But I looked at it as, “At least I know what last night was about . . . more or less.”  I’m not a huge believer in the supernatural but there are some things I believe.  This entry, however, is not about that.

Post entry note:  Right now I am going to listen to some Sly and the Family Stone before I go to work, that music doesn’t let you get low!  But you do get down . . . and funky, lol!

Cheers all!